when is it never enough.

i don't know whats wrong with me.
its like a drug.
waiting and waiting for the urge to come and consume me all over again.
waiting to devour me.
i don't want this.
i don't want to yearn for something that i cannot have.
there is so much i miss.
its like withdrawal symptoms.
its like a part of me being viciously torn away from me.
and i don't want that.
isn't there anyone out there to take my hand.
because i fell into this trap by mistake.
who is going to be my redemption?

i wait and wait.
i'm being so fucking patient.
so where the fuck is the reward for it?
i want to give up.
on waiting.
whats the point of waiting if i get nothing in return.
maybe now i feel its not fair.
and you tell me that life is never fair.
like fuck it is.
it was blanced for a moment.
but then the balance was thrown way off.
and i have been trying so fucking hard to balance it.
but somehow.
every little thing you do.
brings me back to square one.
i fucking hate this.
i fucking hate myself.
but i can't bring myself to get you out of my system.
i can't seem to hate you when i need to get away from you.
i feel fucking useless for being unable to stop consuming this posion that i need to purge.
fuck this.
i don't need anymore of this.